I've always joked that being a parent involves being a therapist, but with the advent of Biruk, it's no laughing matter. Wait...actually it is, because it turns out that being playful with a child who's attaching is an important part of the process. I'm still working on that one, because it turns out that being controlling and being playful are not that compatible. But hey - enough about me! (Suffice it to say that adopting Biruk has been the catalyst for a lot of internal examination and personal growth for me.) But about Biruk...
When Biruk first came home to us, he was literally a perpetual motion machine. There's lots of theories why: moving is his way of coping with stress and fear, he's trying to re-create the chaos of the orphanage environment, he's never been alone or had to self-entertain, he's highly energetic, et cetera, et cetera. But the bottom line is: how do you connect with someone running past you at 100 mph?
The first clue was the car. The only thing Biruk seemed to want more than to run wild, was to be strapped in his car seat, go for a ride in the car, and totally zone out. That was his one safe place to relax and let down the defenses. So, I started looking for scenarios where Biruk was similarly calmed, but I wasn't responsible for keeping us out of on-coming traffic. Then I noticed the swings at our elementary school. Swinging had the same calming effect on Biruk. So rather than push him from behind, I started pushing him from the front, where I could make eye contact and talk softly to him at the same time.
That really worked! We spent hours on the playground this fall, both having fun and establishing that I'm ok to be in this quiet place with him. As a result of that trust and comfort-level we were building, I started seeing more quiet moments in other scenarios. And, now that I was looking for those moments, I knew to drop whatever I was doing when Biruk was in a calm state, and take the opportunity to connect. The next thing you know, we're not just doing swing therapy, but book therapy, snuggle therapy, gymnastics therapy, and of course, Hot Wheels therapy.
I'm celebrating all this with a photo of Biruk quietly playing with his cars, carefully lining them up just so. But, what I can't take a picture of is all the heart connections that are forming between Biruk and the rest of us, that help us know that we really belong to each other now, and that it's...good.
